I have been in contact with a lot of sick people lately. When you feel bad and are stuck at home, it can be easy to get stuck in your stuff. You may want someone to blame, or to have someone to enable you to be as you always have been. A recent development in my life is to repeat "you don't have to feel that way". Whether the patient is sad or angry, or lashing out because they need someone to blame, I remind myself that I don't have to live where the put me. I can choose how I feel.
There isn't a precedent in our society for the healthy regulation of emotion. We learn as children from the adults in our lives how to cope and that's not always useful. We may see repression or lashing out. We may see substance abuse. We may be told to talk things out but are never shown an example. (Do as I say, not as I do does not work) We may think because our parents didn't go around slapping people or crying all day that they were emotionally healthy. There is no precedent for reflection.
In Yoga and Psychotherapy, Swami Rama, Rudolph Ballentine, MD, and Swami Ajaya explains there are several layers to our mind. One part is continually taking in and is aware of stimuli. When we practice yoga, we are able, eventually, to calm this part of our mind so that we can become aware of other parts of our mind. They mention that another part of our mind holds our memories. One of two things happen when we are faced with the memory and the emotions it evokes. Either we live through those emotions again and tuck that memory back into the part of our mind outside of conscious awareness, or we accept it and let it go, so that it doesn't influence us ever again.
I have learned something about choice and emotion from my son. Children don't have choices the same way we come to know them as adults. Children are at the mercy of their parents, or whoever is raising them. Izic has been through a lot in his life. He is the type of person who goes with the flow. That's a part of his personality, thank god. But his choices are limited by his adults. He may want to go and do something, but if no one is willing to take him, he won't be able to go. He may want to eat something in particular, but if no one is willing to go to the store, buy the ingredients, and make it for him, or show him how, he won't be eating whatever he wants. He may have to deal with an emotionally charged situation that has nothing to do with any decision he's made, but that will effect his life. This is the kind of situation that breeds immature adults. If you are stuck in a mentality of "one day I'll be in charge and I won't have to listen to anyone!" then you perpetuate a lack of communication. When you're sick and a doctor makes recommendations, you may resist. When your husband (or wife) suggests something, you may resist.
We can choose how we feel. Izic chooses to get over painful situations when it comes to his adults. He may have a reaction but it won't ruin his day. As adults, we have the option to be more discerning when it comes to who we choose to open up to. The discernment has to be extended to yourself, however, or you'll be blaming others for how you feel for the rest of your life. ("he makes me feel...") You feel a certain way. No one makes you. And, as you turn your awareness inward to see where your feelings stem from, you will gradually become less and less influenced by them.
Our practice this week will be to cultivate the wherewithal to know when you're reacting and the ability to let it go.
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